


Porn Store Adventure

by Amyrat151



Series: Where's the Brain Bleach? [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Gen, Humor, M/M, Poor Sam, Sam Needs Brain Bleach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 12:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1347445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amyrat151/pseuds/Amyrat151
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam, feeling lonely, goes to the porn store and runs into Cas and Dean. Funny things happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Porn Store Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this story comes from the prompting of one Ventorum. I really wasn't planing on writing more of these stories but she(?) had a good idea, so I wrote it. I had a blast doing the research. All of the toys and movies mentioned in this fic are real.

Sam might have been happy that his lifelong search for irony was over, if that was indeed what he had been looking for. As far back as he could remember, a few notable exceptions notwithstanding, he had always seen his brother treat sex with the same attitude he applied to beer or a really great burger. Sex was something that was great for the pleasure of it but Dean had no qualms about leaving his partner as soon as the fun was over. Sam was different. When they were growing up Dean teased him often about how serious Sam was about girls. Sam, for as long as he could remember, wanted a wife, someone to share a home and a life with. And now, watching Dean and Castiel wrapped up in each other on the couch while watching _Beauty and the Beast_ , Sam was convinced he was the butt of some cosmic joke.

Jealousy was an ugly and stupid emotion but not one that could always be helped and Sam wasn’t alone in feeling it. Charlie liked to say, “ If I didn’t know all the horrible shit they’ve gone through to be together, I’d want to hit them with a shovel,” and, “I bet when people see them on the street, they instantly hate them for being so sickeningly in love with each other.” Sam would laugh and usually add his own quip about how woodland creatures probably followed them around to sing about their love. However, despite his jealousy, Dean and Cas did give him a strange sort of hope that he could find someone to love again. Sam had gone out on quite a few dates in the last month and dating wasn’t as easy as he had remembered it being.

He’d had his latest lackluster date in a line of lackluster dates three days ago. A cute brunette named Emma worked the coffee cart he visited after his jog every morning. She had asked him out after Sam corrected her by saying that Castiel, who had fallen into the habit of jogging with him, was not his boyfriend. Their conversation over drinks was easy when they talked about books and the hipsters who always complain about their coffee not being technically local but show up day after day anyway. However, the conversation moved into awkward territory after Emma asked him about his job. Sam decided to go the evasive route by answering “I work at home.” Sam felt guilty for the lie, even though it was technically true.

Ah yes, that’s why dating was easy when he was at in his teens and at Stanford, because he used to lie about his family and childhood. Sam didn’t want to lie anymore after all that lies had cost him and every person he had ever loved. However, telling the truth was not exactly an attractive prospect either. What is it Dean had said the truth gets you, “A straight jacket or a punch to the face?” He didn’t suppose Emma would punch him but she might run away screaming. He imagined telling her about his family, “My brother and his boyfriend met when his boyfriend was a fully powered angel and recused him from Hell.” Sam was finding his choices for a girlfriend to be a little limited. It was getting worse each passing day because it had been months since Sam had gotten laid.

He knew he could probably just go out to a bar and chat a woman up but the whole idea sounded pathetic in his head. He was in his 30s; shouldn’t there be an age limit to anonymous bar hook-ups? In any case, Sam supposed he could at least shake things up with a visit to the porn store that he passed on one of his running routes. It had been a while since had been in one. Who wanted to pay for porn when you had the internet? But a toy or an accessory might make masturbation all the more interesting. The bell on the door chimed as Sam opened it. A girl with purple hair at the counter looked up from her knitting magazine and smiled politely. Sam smiled back and went to browse on his own. He didn’t think he needed any immediate help.

Sam drifted over to the porn and found himself laughing at the titles. He had forgotten how delightfully terrible some of the puns where. _Dude, Where’s My Dildo_? was surely a timeless classic, as were _Moulin Splooge_ , _Ocean's Eleven Inches_ , and _Weapons of Ass Destruction_ , Sam was sure. However, he did have to appreciate the crack brilliance of _Hung Wankenstein_. _Good Will Humping_ gave Sam an odd twinge of nostalgia.

That brought back uncomfortable but vivid memories. It was one of the first things Sam had ever stolen on his own when he was fourteen. John had found it when they were packing up their motel room. There was an odd energy in the room as Sam felt himself turn red and desperately wish for the ground to open up and shallow him. John gruffly said that it was fine. He left out the words “to look at porn,” letting the implication hang in the air. He also said that whichever of the boys stole it should probably take it back, maybe believing that getting rid of the evidence would erase the awkward moment with his sons. But Dean decided the situation was hilarious, as he had teased Sam mercilessly by humming the opening music whenever they were alone for weeks after.

There were also porn titles that were just flat out cringe worthy. _Anal Fireball_ sounded painful, _Don't Tell Mommy_ sounded like a pedophile’s catch phrase, and _Crack Whores of America_ sounded far too depressing to be sexy. _Cum Fart Cocktails_ also caused Sam pause because he didn’t think that sounded appealing at all and yet there were a whole bunch of them. Sam shrugged it off, thinking that he really shouldn’t judge and grabbed the latest _Casa Erotica_ since he hadn’t seen it yet.

As Sam turned a corner he bumped into another body, causing the box in their arms to fall to the ground. Sam quickly said, “Sorry,” and bent down to pick it up. The box had a picture of what looked like a pink traffic cone. _The Cone? I guess the name is apt. Looks pretty fucking weird, though. Are you supposed to mount this?_ When he stood back up he was face to face with Emma.

“Sam!” she said, a blush coloring her cheeks. “This is a surprise, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Sam was unsure what else to say even though it might not been that much of a surprise, seeing as it was only porn store in the city’s limits. He looked down at his hands and realized he was still holding the sex toy. “Here you go,” he said figuring that being polite and nonchalant about the whole thing was the best way for both parties to exit the situation with minimal embarrassment.

Emma took the package without hesitation and clutched it to her side like she could make it disappear by pressing it close to her body. “Thank you,” she said as her cheeks became steadily redder.

“Hey, no need to get all embarrassed about this. It’s not like this is going to win any Oscars,” he said, lifting up the DVD that he had in his hand.

Emma laughed. “You’re right, we’re both adults. No need to freak,” she stated, even as she moved the toy behind her back. Sam smiled kindly and moved to walk past her when Emma looked up and asked, “Cas?”

Sam turned around and saw none other than Castiel and Dean standing next to a rack of butt plugs on the other side of the store. Cas had a different one in each hand as if considering his options between the two. He handed one to Dean and waved at the awkward pair with a smile on his face. Dean looked shocked and self-conscious when Sam looked over at him clutching a butt plug. Dean fumbled to put it back on the rack behind him as Castiel walked over to Sam and Emma without a trace of shame or discomfort on his face. Sam envied him and prayed that it wouldn’t get weird.

“Hello Emma, Sam.” Cas greeted.

Sam noticed that Cas was carrying a basket that had more than a few things in it. His curiosity caused him to look closer and the second he saw a pair of hand cuffs, a lacey thong, and a vibrating dildo he made the connection that Cas and Dean would be using those items either together or apart. Sam shuddered involuntarily.

“Hello Cas,” Emma replied. Castiel’s presence appeared to have calmed her as her cheeks returned to their normal color.

Cas looked between Emma and Sam, confusion clouding his features. “You two aren’t here together, are you?”

“No, we just ran into each other,” Sam said as Dean reluctantly made his way over towards them. Dean stopped to hover near the other side of the aisle.

“Well I’m here with Dean,” Cas told Emma with an easy smile. “You haven’t met him yet, right?” Both Sam and Cas had mentioned Dean to the barista after their runs.

“No, I haven’t,” she admitted, looking towards the elder Winchester. Cas walked to Dean, grabbed his hand, and walked back to Sam and Emma to introduce him.

“Hey,” Dean said, offering his hand after rolling his eyes at Cas. “Sorry about this.”

“It’s fine and it is nice to meet you since these two have said quite a bit about you,” Emma said with a smile.

“Well, I’m sure it’s all crap.”

Emma laughed at Dean’s sarcasm but Cas frowned. “It’s not crap, Dean. I’ve said to Emma a few times how you really should run with Sam and I, since it’s annoying how you refuse to take better care of yourself.” Cas paused and turned to Emma. “That’s why we’re here. I’m giving Dean incentive to exercise more. Speaking of,” Cas turned back to Dean, “This plug, right?” Cas held up a box that cheerfully labeled its product as the _Doc Johnson Jellie Anal Delight_.

Sam let out a groan and brought his hand to his face.

Dean laughed but it was hard to tell whether it was from embarrassment or amusement at Sam’s pain. “Sure, Cas,” he said with an endeared smile.

Castiel considered the box for a moment. “It’s a bit overwhelming to consider the various objects people put in their anuses.”

Dean’s laugh this time was rich and entirely sincere. Sam couldn’t help but laugh at little himself at Cas’ bewildered expression before Dean kissed it away. Sam rolled his eyes and looked at Emma’s slightly startled expression. Sam gave her a look that he hope conveyed, “Yes, this is what I have to put up with every day.”

Emma mouthed, “Wow.”

After Dean was done kissing Cas he turned to Emma, looking as if he just remembered something. “I don’t think I got your name.”

“Oh right! Of course, I’m Emma.”

“Oh yeah, the coffee girl.” Dean gave Sam his patterned “teasing older brother” smirk. Dean, of course, knew that Sam liked this girl and about their awkward evening.

“Guilty,” Emma answered. She looked towards the counter, probably wanting out of this odd situation.

Sam was more than willing to oblige before something else really embarrassing happened but Dean beat him to it.

“C’mon Cas, let’s buy this shit and get out of here. I want a bear claw from up the road.” Dean took Cas’s had that was not holding the basket full of their newly acquired sex toys. “It was nice to meet you, Emma. See you at home, Sam.”

Cas linked the basket over his elbow so he could wave goodbye as Dean pulled him gently towards the cashier. “See you both later.”

“So that’s Dean?” Emma asked.

“Yeah, that’s Dean,” Sam said.

Emma looked at Sam and said, “He seems…nice and happy.”

Sam laughed a little. “Yeah, they’re like that.”

“Then I’d say they’re lucky,” Emma said with a wishful tone. She shook her head a bit, as if to get herself out of her current state of mind. “I think I’m going to go.”

Sam watched her walk up to the sales counter behind Dean and Castiel and thought he probably should have given Emma more credit about what she could handle when it comes to the insanity of his and his family’s life. People don’t unload their baggage and crazy onto another all at once and there was no need for Sam to put a rush on it. Plus, maybe Emma had her own flavor of crazy. Maybe it was a crazy that could go along with his. Maybe he should actually try before he gave up.

“Hey, Emma,” Sam called out and walked towards her. “I know our first date wasn’t the best but would you be totally opposed to a second?”

Emma smiled brightly and answered, “Sure. I mean, yes. I will go out with you again.”

“Great. Is it okay if I call you tonight, around six-ish?” Sam asked while trying to not listen to Dean and Cas talk about him from only a few feet away.

“That sounds okay, yeah.” Emma said, her smile getting brighter still.

“Alright, talk to you tonight.” Sam put back the _Casa Erotica_ DVD and left the porn store with the hope that he wouldn’t need it after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks as always to Natalie, my beta. Her tumblr is here: http://hufflecas.tumblr.com/. I might write another one of these, but I'm not entirely sure. If anyone else has a fun or funny idea, feel free to share. I guess I should say my tumblr, too: http://amyrat151.tumblr.com/. I meta and stuff.


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